So, it's been how long? A year now that I'm back on my blog. It's been a while...lol can't remember how long its been. Gosh, reading my last post brings lots of memories back. Well, new updates. After that, they started going out. They seem pretty happy. Well, for me? Maybe, but they went out for almost a year...maybe 8 or 9 months. But I don't know, they said that they broke up like...this month. Lol, but she's still confused and doesn't want to let go. I know she doesn't. She's too deep in love that he's not the one she "needs" Watching their relationship made me see him in a different way.

He's not the same guy that I once loved. And he's also changed. He now has one girl, girlfriend, well an ex. But he's not very smart when coming to relationship, and I don't think he learned a lot as well. But, I think that the two had lots of obstable and learns lots of things. Well, I don't love him anymore. I still like him, but not in the way that I once used to "like" him. He doesn't give me that feeling anymore. The "special" feeling and I don't feel like I used to when I'm with him. Rather, more like annoyed. But not in a bad way. Lol.

I'm treating him more of a friend now because...that's what we are. :) We're friends and will stay that way. I don't think he would treat me any better than he treated my friend. Not that he treated her bad, but he did. Only because he was not experienced with relationships. I'm a little experienced, but I haven't had a boyfriend in real life. A few times online but that's about it. And that was a long time ago. My experience is mostly throught pain and one sided at times.

But I do wish that I didn't experience all these pain. But it's a good thing as well because I am more mature and see the world better. I'm not bragging or anything, just saying my thoughts and how I feel. This is my blog right? Yes. :) I don't know if anyone reads this or not but to anyone who does, thanks for your time.

Hmm, but at the moment, I'm dealing with a bit of a emotion. This story comes with me as a little girl and someone I've known as a little girl. This person is my uncle....I love him a lot. He's like another dad to me...actually...he feels like real dad. My dad doesn't have such a good relationship with me...but lately...it's okay...better than usual. My uncle, who I admire the most and respect so dearly as failed me....and hurts me so much. I don't know why he's doing such actions....

He wants to move away, sure, it's not a bad thing or you may think I'm over exagerrating but I'm not. He doesn't love my aunty and my aunty ran away once. He does things and doesn't even give a notice to my aunt. He lends $40,000 to his relative but he wouldn't put any money under my aunty family when they die. Okay? Yeah, confusing? Pretty much cause I'm not saying much either.

It's just...I really love my uncle. He's like my dad. He's like...my hero almost but he seems to be falling under the same category as other men who cheats on their wife or does bad things. So what? The world does it? Okay, I can give a fuck if I want to. So please, just keep reading. And so, he doesn't love my aunty and he wants to do these things that are out of question. Me, respecting him a lot, I don't know. It hurts me so much that I can't even cry.

I want to cry so that all these pain can be poured out but instead, it's suffocating me like this heavy feeling on my chest. I don't know what to do. He's my uncle, an important person, and special..but I don't know...his intentions are good or bad..who knows...I feel awkward towards him now. I still love him but it hurts.

The uncle I once knew, is completely gone. Gone. I really miss him....

- Rain
3/12/12


I'm really sad today. Because of love. My friend and I liked the same person. But I loved him, I really did. And I let her get him, instead of me. Besides, he did liked her too? Maybe if I was prettier, he would like me. But I'm not pretty. And I probably won't be because he broke my heart. Just when it took me a while, one year and a half? To forget him? Yet, she comes to me and tells me all these things that deals with him. Earlier today, she told me about what she did with him. How happy she's with him. What he said to her, was what I wished for too. I wanted him to be like that with me. But really, I was only used. I'm nothing more than just a thing to him. She got the one I loved, and she got everything I want. I'm not complaining, my life is fine. But just not the love part. I really loved him, and it really hurted me. It hurts me now that she doesn't realize what she's doing. I want to hurt her but I can't. It's so sad, I really want to cry. I'm jealous of her. How she can hold tight to his arm, talk to him, and see his smile. While maybe, he only feels awkwards towards me. I'm so fucking sad. I'm just fed up with chasing the so called THING LOVE. I hate it. Love fucking hurts. I'm just not cut out for it. This scar won't heal. And it never will.


Please excuse my foul language as this post was at a time where I was EXTREMELY mad. I apologize for my foul language.

I'm so fucking mad. Like seriously bitch? I'm fucking mad at my friend. Sure, she's a good friend at times, and I understand she has family problems and the past. But girl, you need to stop doing this to me. I'm really tired of how you act. You do this every time you have something to say. You don't tell me everything. Like what the fuck? If you don't want to tell me then fuck off. I'm pissed off and irritated when you do that. She tells me, I want to let someone go but can't at the same time. Like what the fuck? What the hell are you fucking talking about? She randomly tells me this. And at this point, I'm talking to my ex crush, he's still my friend you know? Like I'm suppose to hate him forever? Well too bad bitch, I don't hold grudges against anyone. I may hate you but I don't hold it to the extreme. I'm your friend, I understand you, I respect you, I do all this, and I even trust you, and you should know that I hate it when you do this. When you said that to me, you're probably talking about yourself huh? Don't you mean you can't let him go? Well, maybe your feelings are messed up. Like what the fuck? You say its not fucking him but whenever I ask you, you don't fucking tell me?! I'M NOT THE WRONG ONE! YOU ARE! Sure, I admit, I maybe wrong at one point, what did I do wrong? I asked you what you were talking about, and you wouldn't tell me. You should know I get irritated when you say something and don't finish it. You don't like it when I do it. You know what, I don't even care anymore. Fuck it. I'm tired of being nice. I'm so fucking tired of being nice that I hate being nice. Like I said, I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!


Wish that morning never came

I'm scared. I'm worried. I didn't want morning to come. I didn't want the sun to rise. I wished it was just all a dream. But it was reality. My parents, my life, my choices, I don't want anything to do with them. Last night, probably one of the nights that left a big scar in my heart. Probably will be one of the nights that I will never forget. Everytime I enter the basement, I hate it. It tears me apart. I feel sad and is reminded of the past. I'm worried. How long can I go on? How long will I be able to stand? Will there be a future for me? I don't know, no one knows. Just like how I wished this morning would never come. I don't know anymore. It seems like every day, nothing is making sense to me anymore. I don't understand anymore. What I've seen terrifies my eyes, and makes me scared. What will happened next? I feel as though, I'm blamed for all this because I took the first step.....


I'm worried. I'm scared. I don't know what I'm feeling. Well, I do but it is frightening. Why? Because of this love thing that has been going on. How long has it been? 1 year and 7 months? Or was it 3 months? Since 010 fall, I've given up on him but its just...it's been almost half a year since I've tried to let him go. I've tried to let him go, give up, because two of my friend likes him. But when we were in freshman year, it was just me and him. We used to hang out, talk to each other, poke each other and mess with each other. I still remember it like it was yesterday. When I think of our past, our memories, the sweet sweet memories we used to have. I don't smile. A frown appears, and I'm brought with tears. I'm so confused. I'm at my limit, I want to run to him again but he's hurt me so much. I know I shouldn't go back but I'm torn without him. He may not love me but I loved him. And its hard letting someone go when you loved them, but even more painful when they never loved you in the first place.


Today was my photography session. So, as usual, I went with my friend and we got there, everything was fine. Got on the bus, and did our tour. There were so many places we went to! Like General Motors! OMG! It is SO beautiful! And the river that was near it! God! I never seen it before. St. Patrick Senior Center, there were old people there. XD And it was a bit scary. >___> Because they looked angry...well at me. Lol, I said hi to some, didn't get any response back. Maybe they didn't hear me? I don't know, but I enjoyed the building. Then we went to St. Ann's Church. A catholic church, which was REALLY pretty!!!! The piano tempted me. I wanted to play it so bad. In the end, I did! Hahahaha! XDDD I played wedding dress intro. So happy! Hahaha. And we had only 48 black and white shots to take to all these sites. There were like 8 places? Well maybe 5 but it was alot. Other place we went to was a Mexican restaurant. It was delicious! Taco's! Hehehehe <3

After that, thats where death came! Muahahahahaha! Lol, no jk jk jk XD But it was during our tour where we were walking. We were going to cross the road, but we were waiting for this one bus to pass by. And so it looked like it wasn't so close and I took a step closer. As it passed me, it was 1ft or half a ft in front of my face. I could've gotten hit by the bus if my friend didn't grabbed me! But yeah, it was interesting xD No, I was a little scare but more surprised lol.


I'd never thought I'd be a blogger. But here I am today. Hehehe. I don't know, maybe it won't be a success, maybe it will. We don't know the future. And I don't know how blog works haha. But I'm gonna try. Okay, lame haha. xD